Fantasy Football Artifacts: A Collection Of Unhinged Devotion

People who don't love fantasy football will call it an "obsession." They'll dumb down the entire experience and subtract from the totality of its meaningfulness by using words like: "imaginary," "fake" and "pretend."

But the experiences we have are tangible. The feelings that we've had are real.

Our devotion to fantasy football has never been imagined.

It’s not just about the transient numbers added up in our app each week. Fantasy football is about something much more permanent.

You just have to look for the artifacts left behind from our obsession to be able to see it.

A Collection of Experiences From Playing Fantasy Football

Zero Points

There's an old video of me on my husband's abandoned iPhone from 2015. It shows me sitting in front of a television, rocking back and forth, hands clasped in the prayer position as I chant over and over in hushed whispers:

"Come on, baby. Pass it. Pass it to Maclin!"

I needed one more point from Jeremy Maclin for a fantasy playoff win. And for those last few minutes of the game, Maclin was my religion.

The video has followed me around over the last decade as it gets re-sent in group chats after a close matchup. It's a reminder of my loss. It's a reminder of my unhinged attempts at manifesting fantasy points. And it serves as an artifact of my love of the game.

The old, grainy video is proof of my devotion to believing that anything can happen in fantasy.

Four Jerseys

Sometimes all it takes is witnessing a TD live in the Superdome to make me a believer and a fan for life.

Enter: 2023 Rashid Shaheed.

I may not have been the first to pick up Shaheed on waivers in 2023, but I'm almost certain that I was the first person to ever buy his jersey with the wrong number on it, mid-game inside of the Superdome.

After a drunken chat with customer service from my stadium seat, the faulty order was eventually corrected. But my obsession with Shaheed never diminished.

Since then, the Shaheed jerseys have only multiplied (despite him changing teams). Because they aren't just jerseys. They're artifacts of my unfiltered and unwavering loyalty as a fan.

And I have very little closet space remaining to prove it.

More about my unhealthy devotion to Rashid Shaheed and the power of pure fandom.

+24000 Odds

It was Week 15 of the 2024 season. My starting lineup consisted of Puka Nacua and Jauan Jennings. Because I needed a massive game from both receivers to secure a spot in the playoffs, I decided to hedge my emotional bets with a bit of dark, twisted logic:

"Since I need both teams to score a lot, what if I bet on no one scoring at all?"

I placed my usual, high-stakes wager (10 cents) on a No Touchdown Scored prop bet at +24000 odds. It was silly, but I let the fantasy gods decide my fate.

As I watched only field goals light up the scoreboard, the dopamine dumped through my veins in glorious tidal waves. And when the final whistle blew, confirming that no players had managed to make it into the end zone … I couldn't believe it.

Neither could my friends.

I may not have made enough money to quit my day job, but my $24.10 payout is a permanent reminder that sometimes you don't need touchdowns to feel alive.

And it's an artifact that proves the absurdity of a nearly impossible moment was real.

Unhinged Artifacts are universal. You've got 'em, too.

I'm not the only lover of the game with some niche ritual or obsession that has manifested itself into a lifelong relic. I asked around, and you've all held on to something from the past.

Maybe the real fantasy treasures were the artifacts we made along the way …